This evening I got to meet with Dallas, my counselor. I met with her alone tonight because I wanted to discuss with her my struggles. We had an excellent session as we worked through some scenarios together. I told her that in the past several years I have had alot of "big" stuff happen, but at this point in my life, those are no longer excuses. I explained to her the feeling was not situational but all consuming.
Lately, I explained, I have been overcome by lack of focus, the need to push harder and harder, never feeling satisfied, striving for perfectionism, yet being left unfulfilled and empty. I acknowledge my blessings daily and know that I am loved not only by my family, my husband, my animals, but MY all loving Father in Heaven. This is the greatest truth of all. Knowing this, yet still feeling inadequate and never being able to accomplish enough and not being at peace with myself is tough. We talked through it and she gently guided me to some reading about anxiety. After reading the literature, I feel like it was describing me to a tee. At this diagnoses, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace just knowing, after all these years of suffering, how it is identified.